hurray for everything
Not a great day after a strange weekend.
I walked home today with a colleague and complained all the way. That's about 45 minutes of whining. The upshot of the whole thing to her was I put myself out there intellectually and psychologically - I think my role as a teacher is not so much to teach but inspire intellectual curiosity which seems to be a battle where there are only pyrrhic (sp?) victories - and some other -ly adverbs that I can't quite recall, and that oinvesting so much into the teaching will have a heavy price. She also said that I wouldn't be able to do it any other way because that is who I am. Though this is a pretty complimentary thing to say it leaves me exhausted, and I don't think I can continue with this teaching load and do the research as well. When I look at it through the clear eyes of depression I can't say that I am that ambitious and I resent the fact that I find the work unsatisfying and would have to put even more effort and use up more of my own time to make it more rewarding, and I can't be bothered.
I spent the weekend in the company of friends whose lives seem to be exactly what they want. Interesting jobs and cute babies and I just felt ... not on the edge ... not sad ... it was fun playing with the kids ... but just an overwhelming feeling of dissatisfaction with my aspects of my work and being exiled in Palmengrad.
I admitted to Fanje who I don't see so often and miss because she was my kick me in the butt friend that I had stopped thing about love and relationships because I can't see them coming my way. Is that another kind of lack of ambition? She said that it probably when it will come along. That's all very well as long as they don't mind that all I want to do is mope on the couch.
I'll think I'll open a beer and crawl under a rock now
I walked home today with a colleague and complained all the way. That's about 45 minutes of whining. The upshot of the whole thing to her was I put myself out there intellectually and psychologically - I think my role as a teacher is not so much to teach but inspire intellectual curiosity which seems to be a battle where there are only pyrrhic (sp?) victories - and some other -ly adverbs that I can't quite recall, and that oinvesting so much into the teaching will have a heavy price. She also said that I wouldn't be able to do it any other way because that is who I am. Though this is a pretty complimentary thing to say it leaves me exhausted, and I don't think I can continue with this teaching load and do the research as well. When I look at it through the clear eyes of depression I can't say that I am that ambitious and I resent the fact that I find the work unsatisfying and would have to put even more effort and use up more of my own time to make it more rewarding, and I can't be bothered.
I spent the weekend in the company of friends whose lives seem to be exactly what they want. Interesting jobs and cute babies and I just felt ... not on the edge ... not sad ... it was fun playing with the kids ... but just an overwhelming feeling of dissatisfaction with my aspects of my work and being exiled in Palmengrad.
I admitted to Fanje who I don't see so often and miss because she was my kick me in the butt friend that I had stopped thing about love and relationships because I can't see them coming my way. Is that another kind of lack of ambition? She said that it probably when it will come along. That's all very well as long as they don't mind that all I want to do is mope on the couch.
I'll think I'll open a beer and crawl under a rock now
posted by Ludovic at 6:52 PM
1 Comments:
Cheer up, darling, you are loved from both near and afar. And make sure it's a Czech beer. You do get Czech beer out there in Palmengrad, don't you?
Max XXOO
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