debts not regrets

So in spite of yesterday's surprisingly upbeat tempo, today I just couldn't get anything done. The book review I wrote yesterday I reread today on the way to printing it off and handing it in. I discovered that it doesn't at all tell the journal audience what is in it for them. Trying to rewrite it means reviewing the articles I thought were too dull and/or too jargony ... what a proceedings full of jargon, surely, not?

So why don't I get things done, is it that I have lost interest in my field? I don't think so ... Do I feel that I am not contributing anything worthwhile? ... getting closer ... I am feeling like I just don't care and possibly because my clients don't seem to care and all the effort I put in is not enough for them, the administration doesn't care and my immediate superior doesn't care so I guess it is hard to find a way to caring myself.

My Dad sent me an email this morning regarding arrangements should he and/or his wife lose their capacities all at the same time. My two oldest sisters are to be given guardianship/rights of attorney and directions were given regarding finding wills and instructions as to funerary rights. All this written in Dad's cheery breezy way. Good on them for being so organised and I think that the two older sisters will do a good job when the time comes ... later rather than sooner, touch wood ... I remember though a nunber of years ago he asked only half jokingly who would come and look after him if he should go gaga. I stunned myself by immediately responding that I would and knowing that as soon as I said it, I would do it.

Even though he noted in the email that they were able to afford care for some time if need be, I wonder with all this rethinking my offer still counts. I think perhaps as an adoptee you feel obligations towards your parents are a little bit closer to the skin. I mean you know they made an effort to raise you. Hell, the even went out of their way to get me from some provincial maternity hospital where unwed mothers were forced to hide out. Not that I think the deal was entirely altruistic. My father wanted a son and all that ideal entails, and it took me ages to understand why that created tension between us. Well pops, you pays your money and you take your pick. It took you a long time to accept that, didn't it.